was there a time?

My back aching like crazy la! eva since last friday the E case. after i save him.. then suddenly my back hurts like !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! then my left knee cramp.. then later i couldnt move faint.. haiz.. everyone think i am faking.. haiz nvm..

in the end i jus take a diclofenac jab. hmm the pain still here.. llucky my god sis massage for me, but it still haiz.. pain pain lor..
end up i rush to poly clinic yesterday morning. then got x ray done.. hopefulli 2 weeks from now. the review is good.. jus think that if done in my own work place.. they will thinnk i keng.. medic report sick? or shd i say me a slack fuck up medic report sick so no one care
?

saded

anyway the pain is still here.. so yeah cant help it..


is there time u feel lonely?

Was there a time someone came to redemn u from this loneliness?

fish this few weeks will be very bz. no one will be here to care for me lol.. mj go tour. alywin bz with his law exam.. no one liao.. haiz.. dun wan type liao damn sad..finally able to use net.. pass few months no one pay.. my bro jus decide to pay..doi..tml duty..

eh...it dec 08

so many things happened.. was my bdae. then eh.. wat else? i feel fuck again both at work at home at myself at fish at the whole wide world.. nvm ..
nowsadays jus wan to hear 我愛台妹 this song lol goig crazy liao.. hmm sign another 2 extra again.. hopefulli can peacefully go for my OL have a peaceful holidays

Was back from another trip then came back got some stores dispute to solve the trouble i skip the procedure of informing the whole world and docu it down that all then i happily went off to msia to brush teeth on the chinese shi yue zu wu then back tot thing was going well then not long i heard abt those nonsense haiz... nvm i was with fish those few weeks then.. we met josh , which i felt real weird lol.. end up eating pizza instead of the sushi i wanted lol.. it was thurs. fish went off early to meet her partner.. lol.. faint..yeah fish is no longer with me le..

then fish was abit sad on sat cause it was the 7 7 49days..haiz

then i went sailign again for 5 days wo FOOD! apparently the chef i wasnt a very strict vegetarian so he see no point in specially cooking vege for me so thus i decide not to eat after the 5 days which was 21 i was like 69 lost like 8 kg? was 77 hhaha but i eat back le lol.. then i was punish b4 that for checking stores so so so long for 5 days i did rt like free flow-.- nvm then nov also alot extra for me so sign like free flow then also i change my bdae duty that was plan by my ops spec lau-.- then i had a sad weekend

28 i was so lonely haiz.. 29 was even worse then i decide to go out .. since des ask to club i went ahead then i reach there ten plus then i see them i feel like wth so i ran off lol.. took eleven plus train back home.. haiz.. how sad..
the actual day of my bdae was fuck up. no one celebrate.. no one buy cake.. my mum feel kinda bad. she ask me for money then she aarow my kor to send the money to some uncle to help me get cake.. apparently the atm machine cannot transfer so the uncle got no money to get my cake back for me then in the end i didnt get the cake was damn sad then my mum have to leave for some class teaching.. so i damn sian i call my bro cum sis to go out with me she also broke lol.. in the end she didnt cut hair she accompnay me to go guan yin ma temple to pray i got the same divination paper as my kor who is going to get married... then i went off to sing at the karaoke behind parco then went home.. oh yeah the cake was back by then.. it was a eggless cake.. celebrate as in sing song with mum me china ppl.. that all,

lucky on the 28 got cohesion day though it was boring i felt damn alone. almost tears.. but yeah.. i take it as a form of my indirect celebration..
now dec liao got duty on 2 4 8 10 and then this few days got test lucky the practical taker tester was damn nice..! i did well and then tml got the theory one haiz.. then yeah.. hopefulli i get to meet fish out of the tight schedule of her... i am useless but i koe i love her..

i feel so shit now.. my ops spec wanted to aarow me to do rt again this month i rejected as i felt i totally got no weekedn last month i wanted this month to myself then he ask me to call other in haiz.. then now the whole centre like dislike me not to say they like me at the first place.. the world can work and exist wo me.. my existence is not important

then now i am think ing how to die.. again.. dying slowly can like go fuck ard get hiv and then waait for it to become full blown and die.. or how.. hmm i figure die high on drowsy drugs/ or maybe drugs that knock u out.. or how.. i got a few plans and place decided already... i feel so empty so ready to leave the world. But i still have fish.. maybe after i totally lose u i will lose myself. life is going to be meaningless for me le. thank you fish. hugs. love you.

random post lol

Hmmm i am back.. been in camp since Mon lor. mon duty wed duty finally can come home take a breather lor.. lol. Was out with fish and josh jus now.. diao.. felt kinda distanced from josh liao .. too long nv meet ba.. so ncie to see fish. the dinner was jus sweet la.. Simply us in our world?

Yesterday some guys had a high fever. 39 plus.. actualli i dun koe how many degree.. cause it was in F de abt 109?lol. but his GCS abit not ful wor.. cause his hand curve in.. like fit like that.. is it call fowler position? forget liao.. but his hand jus fist up and curve in.. then stuck in the fit positon like that. so worry for him.. but he still consccious and koe wat going on.. but super worried and scared .. i also dun koe why.. he perspire alot too.. anxiety attack?

It was then i was reminded again.. fish. So worried for fish everyday . eva since that incident.. haiz. shall not mention it.. damn scary accident..

Fish so cute today.. cut hair liao.. actualli more like trimming la.. lol.. then after dinner.. when i abt to go toilet she give the pain face. was worried again.. though it was so cute so innocent...then i realise after she said. " tummy ache" ;p hugs.. love my fish alot. though no attachment no commitment.. This is why i am Single but not so available ba..

Nature will take it course. Wateva will be. will be. Love my fish. Thinking of my fish.. Definitely miss my fish. =p hopefully u wont be replace any time soon. Will it happened? leave it to god i guess. Muacks. Lotsa hugs. and good night

Outing with QB

yeah yesterday i kena rtcover at some camp in yishun katib area.. it was my so called reward because i was checking stores for a total of five days.. haiz.. that rtcover was onli half of it .. another one coming one day before my bdae la..on the 29 some where near clementi area la.. all damn out of the way lor. haiz.. wateva.. anyway i kena one extra today.. for no not picking up my hp. which was suppose to inform me abt the unofficialise event in my working place on the very next day and thus i miss it.. but being i have driving i cant attend to, but the theory is u are always wrong and they need manpower so this extra WEEKEND actual save them kinda alot of trouble haiz.. hate it!!! my duty was supposedly on my bdae ! which i had already block it.. some ppl jus do not care when ur bdae even though they themselves pass u the bdae card wtf. i have to personally find a replacement as if it my fault lor!!! haiz in here it fuck la.. thing dun go ur way.. clean ur own ass or feel the itch and pain..

haiz how to be happi when u are in here? haiz depend la.. anyway yesterday went out with QB the day and the dayb4 that i was with fish at night dinner and movie .. it beeen so long la finally met up with fish.. we had a small chat and things are kinda back to normal la.. i feel we both koe we can live fine wo each other but it the feelign that wont give up.. and so yeah hmm i dun koe, it jus complicated.. nvm it btw me and fish.. but it realli nice.. though fish was damn tired.. i was slightly haha..

Was suppose to meet QB to watch saw5 cause fish was kinda not into horror or shd i say she didnt really catch saw1-4 so she find it a bit cannot catch it if she watch so she decide other show like the 007 is cool though she doze of 2 times in the show while i was holding her hand. anyway yeah.. we are kinda not attached la.. lol or was there a commitment veil thinly?

anyway QB was preparing to treat me to the show la but i was the ass that turn up late as i was held up at work for the rtcover so yeah i miss it.. some ass interfere in my leaving of the work.. anyway yeh we had a chat and catch up.. some chit chat and we went to get psy books. i recommended somethign introductory for him hopefulli my ite fren QB understand.. k la he can de la jus slow la...

haiz miss fish again lol.. but now i learnt to adapt and wait le.. not as depress or impatient as last time..

kinda sick of my working environment ppl like to say me how lousy fuck up etc.. abt me.. haiz.. it jus crossing me soon la.. watsoeva..ppl jus cannot control their mouth.. they can say others tok to much but will nv consider themselves spliting too much saliva all over ppl face>?< they are jus thick in the head or simply cant be bother.. some ppl feel the joy from seeing ppl feel low from their words. it explain why in school when ppl get bully by a group, no one tend to lend a helping hand but simply watch and mock.. it a society that is falling and yet no one could actually notice this dark side, unsightly scene of the world we are living in. God Bless the World . Amen

insomnia (4nights wo sleep)

since last friday i nv sleep. Abit crazy right. But i am still freaking awake. And i dont eat much. say one meal a day. jus dun feel like eating.. not hungry at all

I think i chat with the con guy yesterday? the one that sell the phone at a low price. saying his mum going for chemo got cancer etc.. haiz.. i had a real good time chatting with the con till 5 am then he go off liao.. hmmm sometimes talking to con is a big relief. they actualli make u smile. haiz too bad it too good to be true. haiz. if onli everything was real, johnoliver?

good-bye

u koe i totally sank? how i am getting out of it? Many ppl said jus leave u .. walk out on u.. u did that once for six month maybe because i was and u were bz? with wil or josh or whoeva fresh hhaha i seriously dun koe.. u told me u dun koe why then we didnt meet..(freaking hell i am watching prison break3 while on this blogging and this is yet another sleepless night for me since yest?)..we both koe that in other for the 2 of us to get things right, sometimes it leaving each other.. after u left me then for 6 month dont u wonder wat happened to me?.. u get into ur accident with wil and u feel u owe him( but is it? ) or could it be u pity him feel sorrie causing him a near death accident? like u always said u had been through life and death with him( did he forget it and move on already with other while u are still on him?).. u wanna get it right.. but u lose it again..u lose him and get him back and now it become a open relationship with something hidden away from him.. not letting him koe the truth. u koe that once the cat is out.. it will kills or at least threaten wateva u have with him. it will jus result in 'the end' btw u and him. but i stand by u still. But u couldnt realli fulli cherish me. U still sms me to find other if u are not ard jus to make myself happi.. u realli think the hell i will do that? try harder..maybe u will? Lol

Hey yeah u realise all this while i am trying very very hard.. seriously pour out my full heart into us or u since the start when i koe we wont be in for a future..it my fault i love u..when u are the wrong person to love?..it took u so long b4 u feel guilt towards me compare to that almost fatal incident.(should i jus die then u really cherish me maybe u wont care lol cause i not going through life and death with u haha so u dun feel the linkage) At times death is a relief. eva been to hospital and seen those 'vegetables'? i am that.. jus that i still walk.. my brain is still working.. but my heart is dead..

Each time we meet..it totally mixed feelings for me. i could be real thrill at the sight of u.. super delirious by it. and yet tearing deep in me. You are not mine to keep. I have to miss u right when u are standing beside me. Were u faithfully looking forward to each meeting like i craze for it. " i devote 100%" to watch u msging others and sometimes have ur attention to me. why do i jus not get a undivided attention from u. nvm i am happi enough to see u. (i got myself to deep with u?)

It's true u did alot for me. i shall not mention wat i did. I did it of my own free will for love; for the love to u. Will u appreciate it?.. it always very hurtful when u said or even ask me to find others when u couldnt be there to fill up.(Will u ask someone who love u alot to find others? u seriously think they will do it when they fucking so love you and onli you?) U tot others could give me pleasure.(No lover will listen to their partner instruction to find others de..i think.. cause they heart it already with the person liao) U tot it jus pleasure i seek. The truth is simple. I jus wanted u. A simple u jus purely with me and spend some times with each other like the world jus disappear and onli the 2 of us. it okay as long i am with u or recieve ur sms i am happi be it a good or bad day or nonsense or sms.

I do agree this is a very one side view from me to me(smirk) how pathetic.. i have to write it here. so sad that i couldnt tell anyone how i truly feel when i face them( i am weak i got no courage to face my own fucking shit).. many think i am strong i am silly and think i went through shit. but it alright.i can live with it. i wont die. I am happi for any moment i am still with you feel u; ur presence.

i definitely do not blame u cause i meet u at the wrong time. 2 yrs plus ago when i meet u. u had told me that we couldnt go far.

In the end. I never regretting knowing you, at least i Had and will still love you. Maybe i will no longer be selfish.( i will leave u gradually relieve u from the guilt and wateva it costs u) I hope I can do this good-bye thing good. Cause i really love you.sometimes loving someone is letting them go? In god i shall trust and follow. You are always my love. I had officially marry you inside me w/o you koeing, but it alright; it onli myself and me to blame for being so silly and so me. Really I don't blame you at all. Thank you for letting me love you my dear, Fish .. Amen

I dun koe where this post is coming from.. maybe i wont leave u. i seriously dun koe..God guide me pls..i could be clouded already..

pre-sail dinner

just came back from dinner =p my pre sail dinner with my mum .. actualli it someone wedding post make up  vegetarian dinner la lol.. it was a vegetarian buffet very much enjoy it ... eat alot.

i bought some dietary supplement from some health store.. kinda broke liao only left fifty for this trip to msia liao sigh but shd be enough la cause i dun intend to spend too much overseas if not end up like when i was in darwin waste so much money!!

everytime i go overseas someone whom i really miss is Fish.. then my best fren mj.. hopefulli this trip i wont be too sea sick nor love sick.

Love ya Fish. No one can replace u in my heart.  

TMC nsf dinner

Yesterday night Dr Chen treat us all nsf to eat at sakae sushi.. kinda touching la.. hmm though it a simple dinner but all can feel it. May all goes well for him on his studies and his future career =p

After which we went Party world... sing alot.. learn alot singing techniques indirectly from many ppl there... quite a experience!~ but no camera aiyah wasted.. anyway now it over but it imprinted in my heart =p

This morning i got a nightmare !!! i got a miss call from fish and heard some nonsense over it was damn sad and shock till i wake up!! i guess i realli like fish alot.. but in a complicated rs.. but my heart will always be with fish liao.. cause i realli love her loads. and now no one can replace her.. sorrie i jus miss u too much babe hope u koe and nothing bad will happened to us...

A chat log

eh haiz i kinda give up liao

but i scared i do wrong things(me)

dude it doesnt matte wots ur status(fren)

so i dun dare anyhow but sometimes loneliness fill in(me)

as long as u are happy (fren)

i koe i am not happi(me)

well thats part and parcel of living on earth(fren)

deep inside i am like tearing but i jus cover real well(me)

so since we ae "renting" ou lives on earth why not make the best of it...

its ok to vent it out coz bottlin it up isnt good for the health(fren)

i dun koe how to vent it out(me)

if we feel unfortunate just remmber that there those who are even more unfortunate than us(fren)

sometimes i feel real vex(me)

comparin to them we are luckier(fren)

them?(me)

as inthose orphan n those poorer ones(fren)

it a internal struggle.. sometimes we are like living in good environment but our internal sux whereas ppl in sad place have internal peace but they struggle in external(me)

well that depends on how ou internal selfs handle mattes so that our internal n external self feel at ease

u are a big boy n as smart one im sure u will handle in well so as to release urself fom wotever challenge that is bestowed by the ABOVE

wot matters is tht u handle it well so as to free urself

always rmmbr this

no one can EVER bring us down other than ourself

rmmber that u have ur family, ur friends by urside(fren)

i jus feel empty inside me(me)

its normal....

its normal to feel down n out but after all those cryin n feelin pity for ourself we MUST emerge a WINNER(fren)

pms?

dun koe is it i pms lol.. having a bad mood swing la.. haiz.. thinking abt alot of things. fish's grandpa pass away on sun morning lor sigh. didnt get to see her la.. she meet her sec school fren and then the grandpa. she also quite bz with work..she ask me to move on. something like unless u can accept the open rs we are in if not i can move on.. i rmb she said it last time.. haiz i feel vex..i onli think of fish and yu cai. no one else le.. it seem gals are like tend to be wanted or in some complicated situation or maybe they jus find me sissy or watsoeva lousy reason.. like jac always say i bu nan bu nui( no boy no gal) sometimes it's hurting la haiz.. but i koe she a true fren that way she so honest with me ..
i decide to study psychology in sim liao.. cost abt 60k... and i intend to be a clinical psychologist for now.. haiz.. at least i got something to concentrate on. most prob i will jus give up if i cannot take it.. i will jus bear the depression with myself. live with it in me with some regrets. but in god i shall choose and put my heart in and not think abt rs anymore.. god definitely can cure me ..hopefulli*.. haiz i also dun koe..i miss u. and i love u